Birth affirmations are one encouraging and positive way to increase a woman’s confidence surrounding her body’s natural ability to labor and birth her baby. Often, birth affirmation cards are given or suggested to pregnant women by well meaning people in the hopes that reading, saying, and practicing such positive self talk helps her feel more secure, be more capable to birth her child and increase her chance to birth her child the way she wants. As a birth doula, I am one of those “good intention” people who give clients birth affirmation cards to encourage positive thinking. Also, they are pretty to look at and help paint the picture of beauty and power surrounding childbirth that all women want to imagine. So, what could possibly be bad about such a positive practice for expecting mums? To answer that question we need to look at the psyche behind healthy and unhealthy expectations.
What are expectations?
Expectations are ideals involving built up anticipation based on predictions of how things will happen. During pregnancy, expectations of childbirth are often shaped by the history of past pregnancies or birth stories shared by others. Such expectations are then countered or encouraged by personal desires or beliefs.
What are healthy expectations?
Healthy expectations are, for good reason, based on past experiences and/or the ability to take realistic and necessary steps toward fulfilling those expectations. In other words, if something we do, like taking a hot bath, helps us relax after a long day at work, a healthy expectation is to believe we will feel relaxed the next time we take a bath. In order to meet that healthy expectation we would need to find some quiet time, turn on the water to the proper temperature, wait for the tub to fill up, and get in.
What are unhealthy expectations?
Unhealthy expectation are based on faulty beliefs that something will happen just because we think it is going to happen whether or not we have control over the circumstances or situation. Furthermore, basing all our happiness on the fulfillment of our expectations is unhealthy. For example, the hot bath that can relax us is not going to fill itself just because we are expecting to relax in a hot bath when we get home. Sounds crazy, right? Now imagine getting disappointed that we can’t relax because the tub didn’t fill itself.
Obviously, anyone of sound mind would agree that a bath tub filling itself is an unrealistic expectation, so how does this matter in childbirth? To put it bluntly, it’s unrealistic to believe that merely communicating your birth expectations is going to get you the birth you want. When women focus solely on birth affirmations to build confidence in her ability to labor and birth an inevitable side effect is often created in the form of high, unrealistic expectations of what will happen during childbirth. Understandably, the risk of disappointment increases due to believing expectations will bring satisfying results rather than the engaging in the process. Good intention; bad execution.
How does a woman avoid disappointment in the uncertainty of childbirth?
It’s actually pretty simple when you think about it. Birth affirmations have their place in preparing for childbirth. However, if we are going to be realistic in our thinking we need to create healthy expectations. In this way, women must embrace the fact that unexpected, uncertain, and uncontrollable events can happen during labor and birth. This makes women very vulnerable. Consequently, accepting and preparing for the state of vulnerability women may encounter at some point during childbirth is just as important as affirming their inner strength, natural abilities, and bodies capabilities. In other words, just as controlled breathing and relaxation techniques are practiced throughout pregnancy in expectation for coping with pain, learning to navigate the unexpected and embrace vulnerability can reduce the chance of feeling disappointed or resentful when expectations are not met for any reason.
What does accepting and preparing for vulnerability in childbirth look like?
Again, it can seem pretty simple when you break it down. So, let’s do that…Vulnerability is defined as the state of being exposed to the possibility of harm physically and/or emotionally. I think we can all agree that the uncertainty of childbirth exposes women to the possibility of physical and/or emotional harm. I’d even go as far as to say that many women who have experienced childbirth could give examples of the vulnerability they felt at some point in the process. So, how do we accept and prepare for it in a realistic healthy way. One way is to practice finding something to be grateful for in all circumstances. It’s a skill that does not come naturally to humans when we are upset or stressed. Therefore, focusing on the positive when we are in emotional situations is a mindfulness skill that should be practiced daily and intentionally throughout pregnancy. Only then can it come more naturally when coping with vulnerable situations during birth, just as deep breathing and relaxation can come naturally for coping with pain.
“Let go of expectations and find something to be grateful about
even when things do not turn out the way you hoped,
and you will experience serenity rather than resentment.”
~John M. Johnson, PhD
Let’s examine how the practice of focusing on the positive during pregnancy would help mom avoid future disappointment. Hypothetically speaking, your birth plan states that you want to labor and birth in water. However, the midwife is a bit concerned about baby’s heart rate and feels it is necessary to start external fetal monitoring before you get into the tub to labor. She asks you to lay in bed for the next 20 minutes or longer so she can keep the monitor properly in place. Being vulnerable at this unexpected turn of events could leave you feeling anxious, stressed and resentful as you were expecting to be in the tub laboring calmly but have found yourself uncomfortably confined to a bed with monitors strapped to your contracting belly. Instead of letting negativity set in as you consent to the medically necessary intervention, you look at your partner who moves in close to kiss your forehead. Together you focus on the fact that your baby is being cared for, you have the ability to change positions if needed and are always surrounded by people who love you. This mindset helps you stay relaxed, clear headed and at peace with the vulnerable process of childbirth.
It can be that easy…but it does take practice!
Oh, and one more thing…If you are anything like me and just love the simplicity of birth affirmation cards, then add some positive phrases that encourage the practice of creating healthy expectations. Here are a few to get you started:
~I am not alone.
~I am good enough.
~I am safe.
~I am surrounded by those who love me.